


The Not-So-Great Outdoors

by Desbelleschoses



Series: Roomates from Hell [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Camping, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-02-09 21:02:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12896754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Desbelleschoses/pseuds/Desbelleschoses
Summary: Itachi hasn't been feeling well, and Kisame suggests a camping trip to get him some fresh air. Hidan, Kakuzu, Sasori, and Deidara are along for the ride. None of them quite know what they're in for, and Kisame is tasked with keeping all of them alive and in one piece. Which shouldn't have been an issue, because they are staying in a public camping ground.





	1. Playing Nice

Kisame hoisted a large bundle out of the bed of Itachi’s truck, setting it over one tanned shoulder as he carried it onto the campsite. He was relieved that they'd been the first to arrive. He knew he was a bit of a control freak when it came to spending time outdoors, but it was only because of a few really bad experiences in his teenage years. Itachi was more than happy to let him manage the set-up. The Uchiha had been to the hospital a few times in the last month for treatments, and this was why Kisame suggested the trip in the first place. He hoped it would do Itachi some good to get out and breathe fresh air. 

Itachi watched as Kisame opened the bundle and began to assemble the tent poles. He had been told to take it easy, but it was difficult to sit back and not help. With a sigh, he ruffled his fingers through the brown-and-black fur of the large German Shepherd laying in front of him. The dog made a noise of contentment when Itachi scratched just behind his left ear. The man smiled softly and leaned forward, resting his head on the dog’s back and wrapping his arms around his neck. “You've got one stubborn dad, ‘Hada,” he complained in a voice low enough for the two of them alone to hear. The dog responded by licking Itachi’s forearm.

A moment later, Itachi was flung back onto the ground. The dog stood in front of him, bristling and giving a low, warning growl. Itachi sat back up in time to see another car pull up. It seemed to be on its last legs, and the way it stuttered when it shut off wasn’t a testament to its health. From the driver’s side, Hidan stepped out and stretched. “Fuck, that was a long-ass drive!”

“You got us lost,” Kakuzu snapped, slamming the passenger door behind him. “Twice.”

“Ah, come on, it ain’t that big a deal.”

“It wouldn’t be if you didn’t fight with the goddamned Garmin, hn,” Deidara scowled at his roommate before joining Sasori at the trunk. Sasori came away with a backpack and a few bags of groceries. Deidara, however, had packed a large duffel bag, which was heavy enough that he couldn’t carry much else.

Hidan dropped his bag by the table and walked toward Itachi. “Damn, you’re pretty,” he crooned to the dog. He extended a hand, only to draw it back when his gesture was met with a snarl.

“Samehada! Down!” Kisame snapped. The dog faltered but obeyed. He lay back down in front of Itachi, his eyes never leaving Hidan, and his chest rumbling in a low growl. “Sorry,” Kisame called, “he doesn’t normally do that. Give him a minute, and he’ll warm up to you.”

“If it doesn’t like people, why the fuck’d you bring it?” Hidan protested, careful not to turn his back.

“He’s a service animal,” Itachi answered for Kisame. 

“Well, then, why doesn’t he have one of those fuckin’ vests or some shit?”

“He’s not working right now. He knows the difference, and there’s no reason for him to be in work-mode right now. If something happens, he’ll respond, but he doesn’t need to keep watch.”

“What’s he do, hn?” Deidara tilted his head to the side.

Sasori walked past the blonde and crouched down, giving the dog a scratch on the head. “He’s a therapy dog. Kisame brings him over sometimes when Itachi doesn’t feel great. If he was working, he might not have growled at Hidan the way he did. Or maybe he would have, if he thinks he’s a threat.”

“He loves Itachi more than he does me, sometimes,” Kisame chuckled as he joined the group. “Don’t ‘cha?” Samehada’s tail beat against the ground. “He’s a good dog, but he doesn’t really like strangers, which is why I was able to adopt him. It’s not exactly model behavior for a service animal. He remembers his training; he’s just picky.”

“So why the fuck does Sasori get to pet him?”

“He told you; Samehada is at our apartment quite a bit,” Itachi reminded him. “He’s had plenty of time to get acclimated to Sasori. Deidara, too, to a lesser extent.”

“So I’m the only son of a bitch this asshole doesn’t like?!”

As if he could understand, Samehada flattened his ears and gave a low rumble. Kisame whistled sharply, and the dog followed by his side as he walked away, getting back to the tent he needed to finish setting up. Hidan started to aid Kakuzu, and he was promptly told to go sit down somewhere he couldn’t ruin anything. Deidara, meanwhile, seemed to be on the verge of tears when the tent pole wouldn’t bend the way it needed to. 

Itachi wanted to make himself useful; he pushed himself up off the ground and walked over to the picnic table. His long fingernails easily tore open the plastic bags of ice, which he dumped into Kisame’s large cooler. All of their perishables were then tucked safely away from the mid-afternoon heat. He made sure to stuff in some beer and sodas from the cardboard packages, along with a few bottles of water for himself. Although he appreciated Kisame’s concern, keeping track of his water intake seemed a little excessive. Yet, he meant well, which is more than could be said for most of his friends.

“Where’s the outlet, hn?!” Deidara complained loudly.

“There isn’t one. We didn’t pay the extra fee for electricity,” Kakuzu informed him flatly, never taking his eyes off of the task at hand.

“Well then how the fuck am I supposed to inflate my air mattress?!”

Kakuzu smirked as he spared him a glance. “Blow.”

Deidara paled before flushing red in anger. Sasori blew air out of his nose. “No one brings an air mattress to camp. Didn’t you bring a sleeping bag?”

“No, because I fucking thought I was going to have a goddamned air mattress!”

“Don’t blow a blood vessel, Princess,” Hidan sneered.

Sasori pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, fine, we’ll do this. Lay the uninflated mattress on the floor of the tent. We’ll unzip my sleeping bag and lay it over it. Then, we can use whatever blankets you brought. Happy?”

“No, hn,” Deidara pouted, but he knew that he wasn’t going to get a better solution. 

“Shut up and help me put this in,” Sasori snapped impatiently, nodding to the other end of the tent pole.

“That’s what she said,” Hidan howled, laughing loudly to himself. Kakuzu gave him a swift slap upside the head, which made him bite his tongue.

“‘Tachi, bring our stuff, will you?” Kisame asked, drawing the Uchiha’s attention back to him. He obliged, grabbing their bags and bringing them to the freshly-assembled tent. Kisame took them and set them down inside, taking a second to unroll their sleeping bags before zipping up the mesh barrier to keep out the insects. In his hand, he held a shallow bowl, which he set down near the tent. He upended the rest of his water bottle into the bowl, and Samehada drank happily.

“Just let me have it!” Deidara exclaimed, drawing everyone's attention to his tent. Sasori stood in front of the door, his arms crossed. Deidara was in front of him, holding a large body pillow.

“We have a two person tent. I already have to be closer to you than I want. That pillow isn't coming in. Put it back in the car.”

“But I need it to sleep!”

“Too bad.”

“Just let him have the damned pillow,” Hidan snapped.

“No. I've already let him have too much. I have to draw the line somewhere.”

“Deidara, be reasonable,” Kisame ordered. 

“I don't think he can be,” Sasori hissed.

“Fuck you, hn! See if I don't smother you in your sleep!”

“I'd like to see you try.”

“Get a tent,” Kakuzu’s gravelly voice broke the mounting tension. Hidan was overjoyed that the stoic miser had finally given into the dynamic of the group. Deidara opened and closed his mouth, teal eyes wide in surprise and anger. Sasori, to his credit, turned his back on the scene and began to walk away.

“Do what you want.”

“I will!” Deidara bristled, standing a little taller at his perceived victory. He made a lewd gesture at Sasori’s retreating form.

Kisame rubbed his forehead with the fingers of one hand, stifling a sigh. This was going to be a very long weekend.

* * *

“The fuck is this?” Hidan demanded, looking down at the fishing rod in his hands. He looked up, violet eyes narrowed at Kisame, looking as though he had been fundamentally harmed.

“It's a fishing pole, idiot,” Kakuzu drawled, preemptively plugging the ear closest to Hidan to muffle the impending storm of expletives that was sure to follow.

“I fucking know what a goddamned fishing pole is you-”

“We need to catch our dinner,” Kisame interrupted. “Keep that up, and you'll scare the fish away. Now come on.” With a wave of his hand, the large, tanned man led his merry band of misfits away from the campsite, down a forest trail that led to the lake. Hidan and Kakuzu followed first, and Sasori and Deidara walked behind. Itachi brought up the rear with Samehada, who had the handle of Kisame’s tackle box between his jaws. 

“Here's as good a place as any.” Kisame turned around and whistled. Samehada bounded forward, bringing his master the box, wagging his tail all the while. “Catch just enough to feed us tonight,” he reminded his friends. He knelt on the bank and opened the tackle box, passing out the necessary supplies. “You'll have to share bait.” Beneath his words lay a warning: play nice. For his troubles, Samehada was rewarded with a dog bone, which he plucked gingerly from Kisame’s hand.

Kakuzu, somehow, was knowledgeable enough to help Hidan set up his rod. Once he completed the task, he instructed, “Now go to the other side of the bank. That way, when you shout, you’ll hopefully chase the fish our way.” Hidan punched him in the shoulder, to which Kakuzu retaliated with a chop to his throat. Hidan gagged and dropped his pole, which Hidan caught for him as he completed his coughing fit. Hidan snatched the pole back and snarled like an animal, stubbornly sitting on the bank where he stood. 

“You can’t cast from down there.”

“Watch me, jackass.”

Sasori paused to watch Kakuzu help Hidan untangle his line from a nearby thorn bush. Deidara was throwing one of his I-can-do-it-by-myself tantrums, and it was only a matter of time before he asked for help. Although he was bleeding from several pinpricks on his fingertips, Deidara finally secured the hook to the end of his line. “Okay, so then just put the bait on?” he asked with an air of confidence, which only betrayed his ignorance on the subject.

“Yeah.” Sasori reached down and picked up the small, white plastic container. His slim fingers popped open the lid to reveal several live worms writhing around in packed soil. Deidara screeched a noise of surprise and took an instinctive step back. “What? Just take one.”

“And why the fuck would I do that, hn?!”

“Bait. It’s your bait, Deidara.”

“But it’s alive!”

“Yes. The fish are attracted to the movement.” Sasori did his best not to roll his eyes. “You didn’t actually think it’d be dead, did you?” Deidara huffed and didn’t respond verbally. “Watch me. Just take one,” Sasori dug his thumb and index fingers into the dirt to pull out a worm, “and spear it on your hook.”

Deidara went pale. “Can it feel that, hn?”

Sasori arched one red eyebrow and asked with uncharacteristic patience, “Deidara, what do you think happens to the fish when we catch them?”

“No! Fuck this, hn!” Deidara dropped his pole and stepped backward, shaking his head so hard that his blonde bangs sprayed across his face. His heel caught a piece of driftwood and he stumbled. Sasori didn’t have time to react before his companion was on his ass in the shallow lake water, disgust and horror painted over his face. He almost looked like he was about to scream.

Hidan had taken notice of the situation and was laughing so hard that he had to sit down, kicking his legs as he rolled on the bank. Unfortunately for Deidara, the incident hadn’t escaped anyone’s notice. Red-faced and enraged, the soaking-wet blonde gathered himself and what little of his dignity remained, standing up and trudging through the shallows back to the bank.

“Where are you going?” Sasori’s tone was even, but the small smirk tugging at the corner of his lips was more aggravating than Hidan’s outburst.

“Fuck you, hn. I’m going to shower.”

“There aren’t any showers here,” Kisame grimaced. “Most people bathe in the lake.”

Steam was about to pour from Deidara’s ears. His voice began to rise with each syllable. “How the fuck am I supposed to wash off this stink if the only place I can do it is in the motherfucking lake?!” He ended in a screech.

“The lake is from a spring, Deidara. You can see the bottom,” Sasori informed him, nodding at the pristine water. “It’s probably cleaner than any water you’d get from a communal showerhead.”

With no options open to him, Deidara reached over his shoulders and pulled his damp shirt over his head. “Well, I’m not going to bathe in the lake in the daytime around you perverts, hn.” He draped his shirt over a low-hanging branch and let his hair down, hoping that it would dry more quickly. “And I’m not fucking fishing.”

“Whatever you say, Princess,” Hidan chortled.

 


	2. Midnight Swim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little shorter, but I didn't want to jump into the next day just to add length to this one. Enjoy!

The flames of the campfire licked against the fish that had been speared on wooden sticks, cooking the white flesh. For everyone’s safety, Kisame was the official judge of food preparedness, keeping his friends from eating anything that was undercooked. Food poisoning wasn’t something anyone wanted to contend with. After appraising the stick that Deidara had handed him, he passed it back with a silent nod, telling the blonde that it was okay to eat. All the same, Deidara’s first bite was small and speculative.

Hidan plopped back down on the ground, his arms full of cold beer. He passed them around, continuing the story he had been telling earlier. “So, it’s like I said. Here I am, hauling ass through the woods. Fuckin’ adrenaline rush,” he shuddered with a grin at the memory. “Cops are on me. I think, there’s no fuckin’ way I’m gettin’ out of this one. I dive out of the woods, and I’m bookin’ it across the street, then, bam!” Hidan clapped his hands together. “My ass is rolling up over a motherfucking car. Up, over, and down. And  _ this _ son of a bitch,” he jerked his thumb at Kakuzu, “has the fucking balls to stop, get out, and yell at  _ me _ for getting run over!”

Laughter sounded from around the campfire while Kakuzu objected, “Crosswalks exist for a purpose.” He waited until their friends settled down before continuing in Hidan’s place. “And, at least, I wasn’t the one who pulled out a gun. What was it you said to me? ‘Get out of my way or get back in the car. I’m taking it, with or without you, now give me the goddamned keys, motherfucker?’”

“I was being chased! I was on parole! And I’m not the psychopathic son of a bitch who got back into the driver’s seat and asked me where I wanted to go!”

“I wasn’t going to let you take my car. I paid far too much for it to do that.”

“You drive a fuckin’ used ‘98 Honda. How much was it, two grand?!”

“Like I said, too much.”

“Where did you take him?” Itachi asked from across the fire, engaged in the story.

“He told me to take him home.”

“Yeah,” Deidara scoffed. “Nothing like your bloodied roommate coming home with,” he waved his hand in Kakuzu’s direction, “him, hn. He tried to dump him on the couch and leave. No way, I said.”

“Deidara was too much of a pussy to stitch me up,” Hidan scoffed. “I couldn’t do that one myself because my eye was swollen. Kakuzu was man enough to do it.”

“ _ Excuse me _ for not wanting to sew my roommate’s skin closed with our sewing kit!”

“By that point, he knew my face, and he stole my phone for my number,” Kakuzu grumbled. “Worst mistake I’ve ever made. I should’ve followed my instincts and made it a hit-and-run.”

“We all make bad decisions,” Sasori chuckled, dodging away in time that Deidara’s fist missed his shoulder. “You’re proving my point, brat.”

“Who’re you calling a brat, you-” Deidara was cut off when Hidan’s empty can flew at his face. “Hey, fuck you, asshole, hn!”

“Can it, Princess.” Hidan rolled his eyes. “Nobody wants to hear you bitch like some old married couple.”

Itachi leaned over and whispered something in Kisame’s ear. The taller man snorted, trying and failing to hide the amused grin on his face.

“What’s so funny, hn?!” Deidara demanded.

Itachi, with emotionless eyes and stoic face, replied, “Nothing.” Kisame wasn’t breathing, trying to deprive himself of air to laugh with.

“I’ll kick your ass, Uchiha!”

“No, you won’t,” Sasori stated blankly. 

“Oh, yeah? Watch me, hn!”

“I plan on it. I’d love to see you get bitten by Samehada. It’s a perfect headline: Dog Bites Man Assaulting Invalid.” Sasori’s eyes flicked briefly to Itachi. “No offense.”

“None taken,” his roommate assured him. He enjoyed watching Deidara consider the warning. The blonde seemed to literally be chewing on Sasori’s words, weighing his options. Well, at least he’d stopped to think, for once.

“You’re a very angry child, aren’t you?” Kakuzu arched one eyebrow at Deidara. Hidan choked on his beer, coughing and sputtering as he fought to regain his breath. No one came to his aid. Deidara looked at the newest addition to their group, tense with indignation. Sasori put one hand on the blonde’s shoulder, silently telling him not to react. Yelling at Itachi got him a verbal blow; Kakuzu might just drown him so he didn’t have to hear his voice.

Hidan was astounded that Deidara had stopped talking. He looked over at Kakuzu with wide, violet eyes. “Teach me your ways.”

“No.”

Hidan pouted, but he didn’t want to push the subject; he didn’t feel like getting his ass kicked for being annoying. Not tonight, anyway. “You fuckers are boring. Should’ve invited Zetsu. They know how to have fun.

“And what would you have us do?” Itachi countered. The look Kisame gave him said that he shouldn’t have asked.

Hidan grinned devilishly. “I'm gonna strip and swim. You too chicken?”

“No,” Itachi responded, catching everyone off guard. “I'll go.”

Hidan let out a whoop, punching a hand in the air. “Fuck, yeah! Who knew you had it in you, pretty boy?”

“Count me in.” Kisame stood, trying to make it seem like he wanted to go. Truthfully, he didn't trust Hidan alone with Itachi. Or anyone, for that matter. 

It was a matter of seconds before Deidara’s persistent fear of missing out made him agree. Hidan’s snide remark about his reluctance to bathe earlier in the day was refuted when Deidara pointed out that night had fallen. The blonde pestered Sasori long enough that he begrudgingly agreed. Kakuzu felt some odd compulsion not to be the only one left out, despite his lack of taste for the group at large. The group of young men made their way back down to the lake, not bothering with flashlights or formalities. 

The moment Hidan reached the shore, he kicked off his shoes with his feet as he tore off his shirt, leaving them abandoned in a trail behind him. He hopped on one leg, then the other, as he tore off his pants. Naked as the day he was born, save his rosary, he threw himself into the shallow water. He pushed his long, grey hair back out of his face, trying to tame it as the product he used became neutralized by the water. “Fuck, that's cold!” he cried.

Kisame hadn't noticed that the water was that cold; then again, he would swim in the dead of winter to keep up his form. His immediate reaction was to look to Itachi, who stood navel-deep in the water, his hair almost reaching the small waves. “You okay?” Kisame asked as he waded into the water. Itachi looked back at him over his shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile.

“I won't freeze to death.”

He looked so confident that Kisame was inclined to believe him. He might have, if he wasn't standing close enough to see the goosebumps that covered every visible inch of Itachi’s pale skin. Kisame gave one of his arms a pointed look before glancing back up at his face. The disarming grin was still there, but now his eyes mirrored the curvature of his lips.

“You worry too much.”

Kisame became intimately aware of how close they were standing, and he submitted to the urge to step away and dunk himself completely under the pristine water of the lake. The cold hit him like an avalanche, but the effect wasn’t unwelcome, but desired. Deeming himself sufficiently cooled off, he resurfaced. Itachi had swum further out into the water, treading when his toes could no longer reach the ground.

“Get the fuck off of me!” Deidara shouted, drawing Kisame’s attention. Hidan had his hands on the blonde’s shoulders and was trying to use his body weight to force him under the water. The bone of Deidara’s elbow collided noisily with Hidan’s jaw. Hidan’s hold loosened, and Deidara spun around deftly, intending to do to his roommate what he’d just suffered. With a pointed shove, he forced Hidan’s head under the water, kicking at him for good measure.

To the relief of the group, Hidan laughed when he came back up. “Asshole,” Deidara spat, trying to flip his damp hair back from his face. It was weighed down too much to do anything but move an inch or so. “Stay the fuck away from me, hn.”

“What? ‘S not like I haven’t seen it all before. The fuck you have your panties in a bunch for?” Hidan splashed water at his roommate.

“ _ First of all _ ,” Deidara snarled, “that wasn’t by choice; you don’t fucking knock, you prick. Secondly, fuck you!”

“Easy,” Sasori interjected, swimming close enough to take Deidara by the wrist. He clamped down with his slim fingers when the blonde tried to wrench himself away. 

“No! He’s been up my fucking ass all day, hn!”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Sunshine?” Hidan knew he was being antagonistic, and he was doing it just for, as he would say, shits and giggles. Deidara cried out in wordless rage and kicked fruitlessly at the water between them. 

“Hidan.” Kakuzu narrowed his eyes at the back of the cultist’s head. The man froze, as though he could feel the glare boring through him. With an awkward grin, Hidan looked back over his shoulder. “Stop.”

Hidan considered his options, weighing risk to reward, and came up short. Obediently, he took a step back from Deidara. “You’re fuckin’ lucky I want to get laid more than I want to kick your ass.”

Kisame stood when he reached the rest of the group. In a low, commanding tone, he ordered, “Shut up, both of you. You'll wake the entire forest shouting like that. You're already in different tents. Don't make me separate you.”

Deidara huffed, finally allowing Sasori to pull him away. Hidan smiled innocently before turning his back on the pair of artists. As he swam back out into the deeper parts of the lake, Kisame swore under his breath to never take that pair anywhere together again. Itachi held back a laugh at his misfortune as he watched the scene diffuse. 

“It's like you're the dad,” he quipped.

“I wouldn't have to be if they didn't act like infants.”

From behind him, Deidara cried, “Stop touching me!”


	3. Poor Decisions

Itachi winced into his coffee cup, swallowing down the acrid liquid he’d been given. “What is this, instant?”

“Yep.” Kisame held the last few inches of Itachi’s hair in his fist, keeping a hold on the strands so that the comb didn’t pull at his scalp.

“Why?” His grimace was clear in his voice.

“I’m sorry I didn’t back your french press and organic beans for a camping trip,” Kisame snorted. 

“You didn’t even pack sugar.”

“You eat way too much of it. It isn’t healthy. That sweet tooth of yours is going to kill you one day, you know.” Kisame used his teeth to pull the rubber band off his wrist, gathering Itachi’s hair. “Your coffee shouldn’t have a quarter of your daily calories.”

“Health nut.”

“Sugar addict.”

A zipper caught their attention, and both glanced over at Sasori and Deidara’s tent. The redhead was backing out of the tent, burdened by something. A few more steps, and it became clear that he was pulling Deidara by his wrists. The blonde had gone dead weight, groaning helplessly up to the sky. “Let me sleep.”

“It’s ten. You have to wake up.”

“I’ll wake up when I’m dead.”

Sasori rolled his eyes and gave up his task, dropping Deidara’s arms to the ground. “Drama queen,” he accused, stepping over him. Deidara’s face was lost underneath a sea of his hair, spread out on the grass and dirt. Sasori walked over to the picnic table and picked up the metal container; he removed the lid to smell the contents. “Coffee?”

“Instant,” Itachi warned him. “No cream or sugar, either.”

“Fuck it.” Sasori poured himself a cup and drank like a man about to die. Itachi gagged. Rather than finish his own cup, the Uchiha slid his mug across the uneven, wooden planks to his roommate. The look Itachi gave him was skeptical, as though he wasn’t sure in that moment if the ginger was entirely human. 

Deidara had gotten to his feet, shuffling over to the table. Teal eyes full of jealousy, he demanded, “Hey, my man, how come you never comb my hair like that?”

“Don’t do this,” Sasori grumbled.

“I’m just saying, hn. We might get along better if you were nice to me every once in awhile.”

Sasori reached across the table and picked up Itachi’s comb, which was no longer in use. The hopeful look faded from Deidara’s face when it was set down in front of him. “You kept me up last night; you can brush your own damn hair.”

“Rude,” Deidara harrumphed, but he took the comb all the same. His hair desperately needed to be tamed before he could tie it up.

Samehada stood up from his place in the shade and approached the table, resting his head on Kisame’s thigh. His master scratched him on the head. “Alright, come on.” The dog watched with impatience as Kisame opened a ziploc bag full of kibble and dumped it into a shallow bowl. “Sit. Down. Roll over. Good boy.” He grinned widely and set the bowl on the ground.

“Hey, where’s Hidan?” Deidara asked, looking around the campsite.

“Sleeping?” Itachi suggested.

“No, he wakes up at sunrise, every damn day. Doesn’t matter when he goes to sleep. It’s spooky, hn.”

“Then your guess is as good as mine. We haven’t been awake very long.”

“Speak for yourself.” Kisame grinned. “Samehada and I already had our morning jog.”

Itachi waved his hand dismissively. “You don’t count. You’re inhuman.”

“Why, thank you.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the groaning of Hidan’s car, which screeched to a halt in the gravel. Hidan kicked open his door, holding up a paper bag like it was the holy grail. “Breakfast, motherfuckers!”

Deidara leaned back so that he could see around Sasori. “What?”

“It’s come to my attention that I was a raging asshole and need to make peace.”

“Not my words,” Kakuzu huffed.

“So I bought us a bunch of dollar menu shit.” Hidan tossed the bag carelessly onto the table. Kakuzu set down a large, cardboard carafe of coffee and another bag.

Deidara threw himself at Hidan, wrapping his arms around his neck and on the verge of tears. “Thank you!”

“Easy, Sunshine. I bought food. Get the fuck off, you’re heavy.”

“You brought real coffee,” Itachi’s voice was filled with quiet reverence. 

Sasori smirked. “I think you’re forgiven.”

* * *

“No, but watch,” Hidan encouraged the group, grinning maniacally. “You just take some of this shit,” he held up Deidara’s can of Old Spice body spray - what a Swagger Red Zone was supposed to smell like was anyone’s guess - and coated his left hand in an even layer. “Now, just…” he let his hand do the talking. With a flick of his thumb, his lighter blazed. He brought his left hand to the flame, and his skin ignited.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Deidara demanded, almost falling backwards in his folding chair.

Hidan waved his flaming hand nonchalantly. In another second, the fire was gone. “See? No burns or shit. Calm down, Princess. Like I’d set myself on fire.”

“I don’t know that, hn!”

“You have set yourself on fire,” Kakuzu added flatly. “Last Fourth of July. You put a lit firecracker in your pocket.”

Hidan chuckled. “Oh, yeah. I did, didn’t I? Fuckin’ hurt like hell.”

“Then why did you do it?” 

“For the Vine.”

Kakuzu extended his hand, looking expectantly at Hidan with narrowed eyes. With a huff, the younger man placed his Zippo into Kakuzu’s dark palm. It was tucked away into one of his pockets; which one, Hidan had a plan to discover later on.

“Can’t we do something productive?” Itachi inquired. “Something that doesn’t risk severe bodily harm?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Hidan sneered, rolling his eyes.

“Do you realize just how inconvenient it is for me to get you medical treatment every time you’re an idiot?” Kakuzu craned an eyebrow. “At this rate, you won’t ever be out of my debt.”

With a lewd grin, Hidan leered, “Ain’t so bad.”

“Wait,” Sasori waved a hand, as though trying to dispel the last few seconds. “What has Hidan been  _ doing _ ?”

Kakuzu huffed and held up a hand, ticking off on his fingers. “Stab wound, laceration, shoulder dislocation, broken nose…”

“That was a fuckin’ wild weekend and you know it!” Hidan threw back his head and laughed. Deidara groaned and put his face in the palms of his hands. Really, they both should know better by now.

“Why do I live with you?” Deidara murmured into his hands.

“‘Cause I’m a really fuckin’ great roommate,” Hidan countered. This was undeniably true. Pagan rituals and sadomasochism aside, Hidan was great to live with. He kept the common area clean, he didn’t steal food, he respected boundaries (for the most part). He was even decent enough to give advance warning when Kakuzu was coming over for… activities. Furthermore, he put up with Deidara, which was a gift in and of itself. “I’m the one who should be asking that question.”

Deidara scowled in retaliation, about to give Hidan a piece of his mind. He yelped when he felt Sasori’s fingernails dig into the flesh on his thigh, warning him not to escalate the argument. With a harsh smack, he slapped the redhead’s hand away. 

Seeing that Deidara wasn’t taking the bait, Hidan decided to change the subject. “‘Zu and I bought some shit for s’mores this morning. We could do that? I don’t fucking know. Apparently fire and explosives are out of the question, so fuck me.”

“S’mores need a fire, you fucking idiot,” Deidara snapped, rolling his eyes so hard they almost disappeared into his skull. 

“How about a hike?” Kisame suggested. He was met with a unanimous groan. He spread his hands, palms up, demanding “What?”

Itachi placed a hand on Kisame’s bicep. “You’re too intense when it comes to physical activity. Not all of us can be distance runners.”

“Don’t worry about it; I can carry you on my back, easy. You’ve got, what, forty pounds on Samehada? I have to carry him all the time when he decides to pitch a fit.”

Itachi offered him a rare, genuine smile. “While I appreciate that, you can’t carry us all. We wouldn’t make it past the second mile.”

“You know, we could just… relax?” Sasori offered, earning confused looks from everyone around him. Silence fell as they considered the possibility. “Crazy, right? The great outdoors, and we just sit and enjoy it?” While his words dripped with sarcasm, his suggestion was genuine. He would enjoy getting out his sketchbook and spending some time by the lake. His companions regarded one another with skepticism, and Hidan was the one to seal their fate.

“I mean, fuck it, why not?”

* * *

Deidara shifted in his sleep, his feet making a high-pitched sound as they moved across the cheap nylon of Sasori’s sleeping bag. He couldn’t sleep. Dammit, that’s what the air mattress was for, but no. They had to be cheap. Sasori’s relative generosity, allowing him to use his sleeping bag as a cushion by unzipping it fully, was retracted by the redhead’s annoying compulsion to hog all the blankets Deidara had brought for himself. How they could sleep so close together, yet have to fight over a blanket made for a queen-sized bed, was baffling.

The blonde ground his teeth and grabbed a fistfull of the blanket. WIth a sharp tug, he succeeded in flipping Sasori over in his sleep, effectively freeing up enough of the cover that he could stay warm. “Greedy asshole,” he grumbled to himself, in a voice that was hardly a whisper. Why did he put up with this bullshit, again? How did he even get to this point? 

Oh, that’s right. He was a complete and total fucking masochist, apparently. Hidan would have a field day with that one.

Just as the artist was closing his eyes, he heard a loud, rustling sound just outside the tent. He froze in place, his body going rigid. He heard it again and sat up, the blanket pooling around his waist. “Hello?” he asked in a normal tone of voice. There was no reply. 

He reached into his bag, which lay unzipped in the corner of the tent. Cautiously, he palmed his flashlight and opened his pocket knife. It wasn’t much, but it was something, at least. Something brushed against the tent, and his grip tightened around the small handle of the knife. He crawled over a sleepy Sasori to the door of the tent. Before his fingers touched the zipper, it began to move on its own. Deidara’s breath caught in his throat. He waited, patiently and on-edge, until the door had fallen away enough for him to lunge out. Eyes closed, he let out a piercing scream, stabbing downward with the knife, which caught flesh. He lashed out with the handle of his flashlight. 

Sasori nearly jumped out of his skin. His legs tangled with Deidara’s, bringing them both down into a heap on the floor of the tent. Deidara was still screaming. His victim lay on the ground, a knife in his thigh, swearing at the top of his voice. The words were drowned out by Samehada’s snarling bark. Kisame unzipped his tent, and the German Shepherd tore through the darkness. Dutifully, he put himself over top of the intruder, snapping his jaws inches from their face.

Hidan’s eyes were wide, and he’d gone pale. “You fucking stabbed me you crazy bitch! What the fuck’s your problem?!”

“Why were you breaking in our tent?!” Deidara’s voice squeaked as he tore himself from Sasori.

“Samehada!” Kisame snapped as he stalked out of his tent, Itachi a few steps behind. The dog refused to listen. The large man grabbed his dog by the collar and physically pulled him off of Hidan. “What’s  _ wrong _ with you?!” he demanded, dark eyes shifting between Deidara and Hidan.

Hidan scowled as he pulled the pocket knife out of his leg. “Goddamn! All I wanted was a fucking condom! You motherfucking  _ sociopath _ !”

“Ask, hn!” Deidara lunged forward, but Sasori caught him around the torso, holding him back from attacking his roommate.

“I didn’t want to wake you up! You’re fucking Satan at night!”

“Why didn’t you answer me, then?!”

“I couldn’t fucking hear you!”

Kisame glanced over his shoulder when he noticed that Itachi was gone. Samehada whined, and he let him go to plod off after his human. 

“You don’t just go breaking into my tent, hn!”

“You don’t just  _ stab people! _ ”

“I’ll stab you both if you don’t shut up!” Kakuzu growled from his nearby tent.

Itachi brushed past Kisame and dropped a small, white, plastic container into Hidan’s lap. There was a raised cross on the lid, denoting it as a first-aid kit. “Take it, and go to sleep,” Itachi commanded, dark eyes narrowed. 

Hidan looked up at him in surprise. Without a word, he scrambled to his feet and left. Sasori finally let go of Deidara. Itachi leveled the blonde with the same look he’d given Hidan. He didn’t turn around until the door to their tent zipped shut.

Kisame chuckled, walking beside Itachi. “You’re terrifying when you’re grouchy.” He smirked. “It’s kinda hot.”

Itachi ducked through the door to their tent, not sparing him a glance when he stated “I know. I also just gave Hidan our first-aid kit. Now, let me sleep.”


	4. Payback

Kisame was on his knees in the grass, rolling the fabric of the tent into a tight bundle. Between his teeth hung a cord of rope, which he would use to tie the bundle together so that it could be loaded into the back of Itachi’s truck. The atmospheric pressure had taken a sharp turn, and the last thing Kisame wanted was to be stuck in the oncoming storm. He shifted and put his knee on the rolled fabric. His hands were now free to take the rope and tie the bundle shut. As he did so, he called out, “Any change on the radar?”

 

“No,” Itachi assured him from his seat at the picnic table. His smartphone showed a moving graphic from the local weather. “It still says the storm will hit in about thirty minutes.” Absentmindedly, he reached down and scratched Samehada between the ears. The shepherd placed his head on top of Itachi’s thigh, enjoying the attention.

 

“How’s it going?” Kisame called to the group at large as he stood, lifting the bundle onto his shoulder.

 

Deidara and Sasori were managing much better than Kisame had initially expected. Their tent was disassembled, and the poles were back in their original bag. It was a team effort for the pair to roll up the tent itself, but they weren’t arguing about it. Neither artist wanted to get rained on. “It’s going, my man,” Deidara responded as he shifted the tent fabric, realigning it for Sasori, who was rolling it up tightly. 

 

Kisame looked over at Kakuzu, who had everything piled behind Hidan’s car. The man was leaning against the hood, reading a book that he’d brought with him. A quick look around, and Kisame asked, “Where’s Hidan?”

 

Kakuzu didn’t look up from his page. “Don’t know, don’t care. He was gone when I woke up.”

 

“Aw, shit,” Kisame swore. He tossed the tent into the back of Itachi’s truck before cupping his hands around his mouth. “Hidan!” he called, like their companion was some sort of lost pet. “Let’s go!”

 

The group stopped moving for several seconds to listen for a response.

 

“Maybe he got eaten by a mountain lion,” Deidara mused.

 

“Mountain lions aren’t native to the area, idiot.” Sasori rolled his eyes.

 

“Oh,  _ excuse me _ , Mr. Nature Expert.”

 

“Shhhh.” Kisame gestured toward the pair, hoping that they’d shut up without further interference. He called once more: “Hidan!”

 

Kakuzu stuck a hand in his left pocket and withdrew a key ring, which hung around his extended index finger. “I have his spare key. We could leave him.”

 

“That’s cold, my man,” Deidara frowned.

 

“Cold, but fair.” Kakuzu marked his page in his book and walked around to the back of the car. He used the spare key to pop the trunk, and he began to load up the packaged supplies.

 

“Samehada!” Kisame beckoned his dog, who bounded happily to his master. Kisame held up one of Hidan’s shirts, which he’d taken from his pack before Kakuzu could load it. “Find Hidan.”

 

The dog sniffed the fabric and gave a low growl.

 

“Samehada,” Kisame said firmly, quieting the animal. “Find Hidan.”

 

With reluctance, the shepherd shook his coat before running off into the forest.

 

“Think that’ll work?” Sasori inquired as he stood up.

 

“Hopefully.” Kisame shrugged and tossed the shirt to Kakuzu. “We just have to wait and see.”

 

It only took another five minutes to finish breaking camp and to load their supplies into the vehicles. Deidara’s stomach growled pointedly, and he began to complain about needing food. He reminded the group of Kisame’s promise to stop in a drive-thru once they got on the road.

 

“Blame Hidan.” Kisame looked at the shorter man over his shoulder.

 

“Asshole,” Deidara hissed, “ruining it for everybody. Running off like that. Does he think it’s fucking funny, hn?”

 

“Probably,” Sasori drawled. 

 

“Clearly,” Kakuzu corrected him.

 

Itachi jumped down from the back of his truck, having wrestled a bottle of water out of the cooler that Kisame had already secured. “Should we be worried about Samehada?”

 

“Nah. He’s a smart one. If he’d lost Hidan’s trail, he’d be back by now.” Kisame gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. He had a feeling that, if it came down to it, most of their little group would prefer to have the dog back over Hidan.

 

“Fuck!” Hidan’s voice split the air, signaling that Samehada had found his target. “Shit! Down, Cujo! Goddammit! Fucking crazy mutt!” The man in question appeared around the bend of the road, running full-speed toward the group. “Kisame! Call this fucker off!”

 

“What?” Kisame called, pretending not to have heard. Samehada was at Hidan’s heels, growling as he chased him. He’d never seen Hidan run so fast.

 

Hidan barreled forward, crashing into the hood of his car and vaulting over the top, taking refuge on the other side. A sharp whistle from Kisame, and Samehada gave up the chase.

 

“Assholes!” Hidan roared, glaring at every one of his friends. “You were fucking gonna let him eat me!”

 

“Samehada has a more refined palate than that,” Itachi quipped as he opened the back door to his truck. He patted the seat, and Samehada jumped in.

 

“Where were you?” Kakuzu demanded, narrowing his eyes at Hidan.

 

“I was gonna scare princess when he hiked to the bathroom! You know, payback for  _ fucking stabbing me _ .”

 

“Oh, get over it.” Deidara crossed his arms. 

 

“It would have been fine if you did your two-fucking-hour beauty routine!”

 

“There’s a storm coming, dumbass. We need to leave before it hits.”

 

“Well, nobody told me that.”

 

“Because you ran off, asshole!”

 

Kakuzu rubbed his temples with one hand. “Get in the car.”

 

“But, ‘Zu,” Hidan protested.

 

“Get. In. The. Car.”

 

“We’re getting breakfast, right?” Deidara called to Itachi, who had taken his seat behind the wheel of his truck.

 

“Yes, Deidara, we’re getting breakfast.”

 

“Fuckin’ sweet.”


End file.
